Your relationship should be about winning together! Do just that by implementing these 3 powerful strategies.
Couples have two mindsets that they can take on together. The first is the Opposite Team Mindset, which means you see your partner as competition. The times you have conflict will be when the Opposite Mindset is most apparent. If your relationship is operating with this system, your arguments are littered with yelling, disrespect, insults, gripes from the past, blame, and you wanting to score a win for yourself. It probably won’t surprise you that couples working from this mindset are not likely to make it.
The Same Team Mindset is what it sounds like; as a couple, you strive to work as a team so that you win together. You face each day together, working through your problems to find agreeable solutions and making sure to meet one another’s needs for connection and security. Your relationship takes on a life of its own, blending your unique views and personalities into a strong, team-oriented connection. You approach your relationship realistically, recognizing that you will not always agree or get along but that this does not have to spell doom for you.
Creating the Same Team Mindset in your relationship will not happen overnight, but there is no better time to start than now! If you do not take the first step, then you are no closer to getting there. Work with your partner to implement the following three ideas to help build the Same Team Mindset in your relationship now. There is no better feeling than when you get to win together rather than lose alone!
Team Building Strategy #1: Stop Keeping Score
Keeping score against your partner is a destructive habit to get into. What does it mean to keep score? That’s when you keep the mental list of times your partner has let you down, didn’t do something, said the wrong thing or didn’t say anything at all. You hold onto this list until an argument comes along, and then it goes from being a list to your weapon of choice.
The problem with keeping score is that it creates more disconnect, tension, stress, and pain than anything else. It keeps the focus off of yourself and puts blame on your partner, which is only going to put them on the defensive. This list that you keep is incredibly biased and does not take into account the full character of your partner. A lot of what is on the list they may not even know was there and it was your insecurity or disappointment that put it there.
Once you start to keep score against your partner, you are no longer acting as a team. A true team looks for ways to build one another up through maximizing strengths and helping each other overcome challenges. Working as a team requires commitment, trust and respect for your partner, it is at the core of an Empowered Couple. Keeping score undermines these core values of the Same Team Mindset and will pull your relationship apart.
If you find yourself keeping score, take some time to ask yourself these questions and truly contemplate them. What is keeping score doing for myself, my partner, and our relationship? Why do I feel the need to keep score? When has keeping score worked for me and what was the outcome when it worked? If we were to put these issues out in the open rather than hide them on lists, what would change in our relationship?
Keeping score is a dangerous game to play in your relationship. No one wins this game and it is likely to end in the demise of your relationship. Couples with the Same Team Mindset want to win together rather than lose alone. Keeping score is one way to lose alone, is it worth it?
Team Building Strategy #2: Give When it is Needed
Have you heard that common belief that a relationship should be 50/50 from each partner? The truth is, that does not work out, and at times that is where keeping score can start. With everything life can throw at you and the stress it likes to pile on, maintaining 50/50 in a relationship is just not feasible. There are going to be times where you are giving more than 50% and times where your partner is giving more than 50% and there is nothing wrong with that.
A couple working with the Same Team Mindset is not worried about the percentages when it comes to how much they give. A partner does not stop taking care of the other and say “your turn” as soon as the gauge reaches 51%. Relationships with the Same Team Mindset understand that each person has unique needs and wants that fluctuate in importance and necessity based on time and circumstances.
A core principle of an Empowered Couple using the Same Team Mindset is that each partner gives what is needed to the relationship when it is needed. This is a mutual agreement that is for the benefit of all. If there are concerns about how much is being given, it is discussed openly and steps are taken to resolve it. Otherwise, each partner is in it for each other and is willing to delay their needs getting met when there is a more pressing need present.
Why are people in this type of relationship willing to do this? Quite simply, they believe in the idea of what comes around, goes around. If you treat your partner well, help them when it is needed, and work on the relationship in positive and productive ways, your partner will return the favor if the Same Team Mindset is truly present. If they keep score and hold grudges against your partner, you will get that in return. The choice is yours, and your partners, of course!
Team Building Strategy #3: Face the Opponent Together
The Opposite Team Mindset makes the opponent in your relationship your partner, which means for one of you to win the other has to lose. The sad reality is, both of you lose when this is how you approach conflict. As an Empowered Couple using the Same Team Mindset, you stand together as one and face your opponents together. Does that mean it will go swimmingly each time or that you will always get along? Of course not! It does mean that instead of making bigger problems for yourselves by turning your partner into an opponent, you work unitedly so you can move forward together.
What opponent are you facing? It can be anything like stress, finances, disagreements, in-laws, friends, time, work, or any of the other million things that life can throw at you. As you face these opponents as a team, you strengthen your armor to the hits that life can throw by strengthening the connection you have with your partner. This reinforces the Same Team Mindset as you come to see your partner as an ally to get through challenges rather than being an obstacle themselves.
What does facing our opponents together do for your relationship? It opens your lines of communication, increases empathy and understanding, increases the compassion you have for one another, brings gratitude into the relationship, and replaces the belief of “we can’t” with “we can!” You set aside your lists that keep score, heal from your past relationships, see your partner for all they are and what they do, and increases the likelihood that you will give to your partner with no strings attached. That's a win-win!
Empowered Couples access the power of the Same Team Mindset to continually strengthen their relationship. Each partner actively chooses to care for the needs of one another and the relationship as a whole and willingly does what they can to meet them. Putting in the work with your partner to work as a team means that instead of losing alone you will win together. Start implementing the three team building strategies to empower your relationship with the Same Team Mindset!
Categories: Empowered Couples